kaffyr: Eleven is blue inside the blue TARDIS (Blue Eleven)
[personal profile] kaffyr
Hi There; I'm Coming Back to the World

The funeral is three days in the past and my brother is back to work (not because he wants to be back at work; because his boss is a horrible scheduler, is really unsympathetic, and because another guy in his detachment learned that his dad is dying and had to fly to Ontario to be with his family. Sorrow doesn't belong to any one person) and I have a rental car that's super modern and a little intimidating. I'm up in Wolfville and online, albeit not until after I had to fight  my computer and its connection at the cafe where I'm seated.

I am gradually returning to real life; it's the only way I can really explain it. At first, I didn't think I was in limbo for the last, what, week, but that's really the case. Things happen, and you react, you respond to people on automatic, remembering all the lessons your parents told you about being polite and being communicative, and you can even fool yourself into thinking that you're not in limbo.

But you really are.

Worrying about my brother has been helpful in keeping me tied to the real world. When you're not totally focused on yourself, you are closer to OK, I think. He's so very weary, after so many months with my mother's illness (not to mention the months in 2011 when he helped Mum and my stepdad move) that I think it will take him even more months to recover. I want to be here for him, and was looking forward to spending more time with him than I've had during the past two Nova Scotia visits. And then that disappears. Oh, well. I will make the most of the time I have with him.
And of course, I will make a hell of a lot of use of the phone in the near future.

I'm going to spend some time later this afternoon with my stepdad and his eldest daughter. Jane and I will go through some of Mum's things, and I'll get rid of all her remaining drugs by taking them back to the pharmacy for disposal (these are the kinds of things you never really think of when it comes to a loved one dying.) We may even make a stab at deciding what things of Mum's we can get rid of, what my stepdad might want to keep for emotional reasons, and what we can give away.

And tomorrow I'll be spending time with Clara, my Mum's oldest surviving friend (or one of two, but the other lady is living down in the American Southwest), who I really love. She sat with the family at the funeral, but we didn't have the chance to share grief and love, so tomorrow we'll have lunch.

I may come back to the cafe later today, before I head back to my brother's, but I think right now it's time to head to Rob's and Jane's.

Date: Monday, 4 November 2013 10:12 pm (UTC)
kerravonsen: Eighth Doctor, relaxed, eyes closed: "Breathe deep" (breathe-deep)
From: [personal profile] kerravonsen
Yeah, the numbness takes a little while to wear off, but it's a survival mechanism, IMHO.

Date: Monday, 4 November 2013 11:26 pm (UTC)
kerravonsen: What is essential is invisible to the eye (essential-invisible)
From: [personal profile] kerravonsen
I had lunch with my father last Saturday, and when I walked in, the phone rang, so I sat down in his study while he was talking. And I was looking around at all the books and binders on the shelves, and thinking "Oh no. Some day I may have to go through all this, sorting it out, after he's dead. No, no, no, please don't ask me to do that!"

You're braver than I am.

Date: Tuesday, 5 November 2013 02:47 am (UTC)
promethia_tenk: (hug)
From: [personal profile] promethia_tenk

Date: Tuesday, 5 November 2013 11:05 am (UTC)
st_aurafina: Katara hugging her grandmother (Avatar: Katara hugs)
From: [personal profile] st_aurafina
Still keeping you in mind - there's nothing wrong with losing yourself in the looking after of others. (This one I know well!)

(And a tiny thank you for disposing of your mother's medication so responsibly.)

Date: Wednesday, 6 November 2013 10:15 am (UTC)
bibliofile: Fan & papers in a stack (from my own photo) (Default)
From: [personal profile] bibliofile

Date: Monday, 4 November 2013 05:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] a-phoenixdragon.livejournal.com
*hugs you hard* It's like taking a deep breath, isn't it?

I'm sorry you didn't get to spend more time with your brother. But it sounds like you WILL get a bit of time with other people you love and care about - that is important, too.

*Sends love*

Date: Monday, 4 November 2013 07:30 pm (UTC)
clocketpatch: A small, innocent-looking red alarm clock, stuck forever at 10 to 7. (Default)
From: [personal profile] clocketpatch

Date: Monday, 4 November 2013 08:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apostle-of-eris.livejournal.com
yer doin' fine

Date: Monday, 4 November 2013 08:59 pm (UTC)
thisbluespirit: (dw - amy)
From: [personal profile] thisbluespirit
Sends you ♥

Date: Tuesday, 5 November 2013 02:26 am (UTC)
ext_73228: Headshot of Geri Sullivan, cropped from Ultraman Hugo pix (Default)
From: [identity profile] gerisullivan.livejournal.com
There's going to be a bit of extra wonderment waiting when you make your way back to the world in Chicago, too, this friend writes with glee. Your current situation wasn't the causal factor, but having something to counterbalance all the hard? Oh, yeah, I'll be oh, so happy to help with that.

Love you. Always.


kaffyr: The TARDIS says hello (Default)

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